Misery :( :( ;(

I am so damn tired of being in pain. I swear it gets worse all the time. Now it's everywhere in my lower abdominal area. It lasts for days on my left front/left back area (the tumor's on the back, but since it's on the nerve, it radiates to the front) and then I go in 'remission' for a day, then it's full blast on my right side, and sometimes it radiates from my right side (thought it's more my right lower front if that makes sense, near the pelvis) AND in my left back area. AND THEN MY HEARTBURN GOES BAD. Prilosec is supposed to reduce stomach acids- so TWO a day should help, but noooo. For pain, I could take 2 650 mg Tylenol and sometimes it HELPS but the pain is still there. It usually takes about 20 minutes for it to HELP so I can...well...go on with my life and then BOOM it come back 45 minutes later, and I can't take another dose for 4 hours. On Wednesday this happened in class and I almost passed out, and I actually took the pain pills one hour earlier than the dose ordres people to take (I mean I'm not 100 pounds, I shouldn't be taking this high dosage, but I DO ANYWAY). Sometimes I want to vomit I hurt so badly. I have been waiting and waiting for my NF doctor's nurse to finally set an appointment with me. He told me April was almost impossible as he would be gone for most of the month, which is another story.  DID I TELL YOU THE STORY?I can't remember. Here it is anyway, it'll be a good refresher if anything. Plus everything is so damn complicated so I can't even imagine you even remembering one aspect of the story I've told before...

I've had lower pelvic pains for years, many tests, nothing wrong with my pelvis, but holy crap there's cancer! Pain in pelvis still not gone- got bad bad bad baaad last summer. So then I had tests:

Had ultrasound, something on spleen, had MRI, nothing on spleen something on liver, had PET, liver thingy still stood, had MRI, liver thingy still there, had ANOTHER MRI to see how it was, but wait, they weren't looking at my LIVER they were looking at my lower pelvis! Well fuck me, I NEVER knew I had pain there- what the flying fuck. So it turns out there's a tumor in my lower left retroperitoneum , which is the area behind the kidneys- so it answered my lower left pelvic pain and my back pain and the pain that would shoot down my leg. had 2 smaller tumors on my right side, in the 'frontal' part of my abdominal wall which = all the pains on my right side, which wasn't bad until, well, this month...ANYWAY

So in early March, my Spring break, I took off work a little early so I can go to one hospital, where I had my last MRI which found my retroperitoneal tumor so I can get TWO copies of the CD of this scan. One for my NF doc, one for my gyno, bc I had practically accused her of being negligent but it turned out she was right, nothing wrong with my lady parts, the tumor just happened to be NEAR the lady part area...

So I get the copies of the CD. The next day, I had to go to a different hospital anyway( the same hospital where I see my NF doctor) for an NF clinical study trial (long story) and on my way I DROPPED OFF THE CD, PATHOLOGY REPORT and a LETTER (from ME) to my NF doctor.

I DROPPED IT OFF. I handed it to the office people.


Three weeks later I get a call from my NF doctor- he said he got my letter but not my study. At this point I freaked out at him- I told him I dropped everything off, the letter, CD, path report ALL AT ONCE he BETTER have it- he told me to relax but he fucking better find it.

Anyway, he told me April was way too booked for him, so now that April is ending, I fucking can't wait to see him because seriously, and in all honesty, as my pain levels are at 100000% (not hyperbolizing) I can't take it, seriously, I cant' take it anymore, it gives me a slight slight slight understanding of why sick people off themselves. i know that's a bad thing to say, especially since I did suffer from a case of suicidal depression once in my life (well, over a period of like 10 years, yeah my life sucked) and I lost a friend to suicide and I know people suffer worse than I do but HOLY FUCKING SHIT, I just can't deal with this anymore.

EVERY TIME I HAVE PAPERS DUE THE PAIN COMES, and I swear it's not stress. THE PAIN causes stress. Stress is a bullshit diagnosis- if I had no pain, my stress would be soo minimal!!!! I had a lot of trouble getting a giant paper finished by the 11th (I started writing it the 8th) I could have had this big giant research paper done a week earlier (my story was procrastination, in fact, I was in bed the weekend before crying and holding a heating pad on full blast) and now, I have two simple papers due and I can't do it. My grade is dropping (not drastically, but dropping!) in one of my favorite classes because I can't sit and write intellectual sounding papers anymore and my chance to get my grade where I need to be is NOW BUT I CAN'T! FUCK MY LIFE.

So my gyno doc encourages me to get acupuncture if I can't get surgery or even to get it in addition to surgery. I know I am not the only one in some kind of terrible pain for a good chunk of my days existing, so have any of you done acupuncture???

Going one ONE DAMN WEEK in pain CONSTANTLY. Seriously freaking outttt.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA that's my inner primal screaming.

Sorry to emo all of your lives, but I just had to get it out!!!!!