It is about 12:30 am, and I am sitting here on my bed with my cats eyeing me from my doorway because they have not been fed a small bedtime snack. My parents are in the other room resting from a long day. My graduation gown and hood are hanging up- ready for tomorrow. I cannot believe I am graduating with my Master's degree! I want to talk about my tumultuous journey, but first I have people to thank. So many people to thank:
My husband for being my backbone, and every now and then paper editor
My family who was always there for me
My professors and boss who wrote my recommendation letters
My friends who helped me revise my personal statement when they were already busy with their lives
My primary care doctor who helped me manage my pain and took care of me well- I would not have finished my program without her
My pain team for being on top of everything and keeping me sane
My current boss for being an AMAZING MENTOR
My friends who always cheered me on!!! and encouraged me despite my pain!
ALL OF MY NEW FRIENDS who supported me and listened to me and were just all around awesome people
To begin talking about my journey, I wanted to show you my state of being when I applied to the Master's program. I almost didn't. I was recovering from stomach cancer surgery- I had a partial esophagogastrectomy. That means part of my stomach and part of my esophagus were removed. My cancer was just below my GE junction.
This was me, August 2009- the morning after my surgery
My favorite elephant picture of myself- God Damn NG tube. Worst thing ever.
My warrior wounds!!!
While I know people with stomach cancer have varying degrees of suffering, and while I know my suffering was minimal compared to many, I suffered a lot. I starved for four months. That is because I could not eat. When I tried, I threw up. When I succeeded, acid reflux took over my life. Or dumping syndrome did. Or hotflashes and dizziness took over.
Here is a video I took November 23, 2009
Here is a photo of me on Thanksgiving a few days after that video- helping John prep a meal that I couldn't eat!
This is me Christmas day- MUCH thinner, despite having had an esophageal dilation (opening a new fondue pot! I broke our other one a few days before my surgery hahaa)
So yes, that was my state of being when I applied to grad school!
At the last moment, though, I decided to try anyway. I was lucky for these reasons:
1) I wasn't too late to take one of the graduate entrance exams (I chose to take the MAT over the GRE)- I had 5 days to study and I did. And I am lucky I didn't flunk the test because I threw up right BEFORE the test. John and I found a New England Soup FActory and I was excited becuse I couldn't eat food but I could eat soup! I had the best soup of my life. But I did not know it was milk based. So I spent 30 minutes in the Salem State U bathroom barfing reflux and well...a really really bad bout of diarhea- worst dumping syndrome case I ever had! I even passed the test above average. Huzzah. (shoutout to my husband who bought me an MAT book the day I decided to take it/registered for the test)
2) Two of my favorite professors were WILLING and ABLE to write me a last minute recommendation letter!! I am so so so grateful for them.
3) I had help with editing my personal statement- shout outs to my really wonderful friend S for revising my personal statement, and giving me TONS of advise AS SHE WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF GRADING FINALS AFTER A BUSY BUSY SEMESTER FOR HER co worker A who read over it and gave me tips on transitions...and S again for looking at it ONE MORE TIME...
4) to my boss at the time K for writing a letter for me as well at the last moment!
This was a crapshoot for me- I only had 3 schools I could apply to, and I got into TWO of them!
In September 2010 I started grad school on a grim note. My Jentwin, the heart and soul of my undergraduate friend group, passed away from a freak case of lung cancer. This was me with her hours before she passed :,(. I started classes two days later- still in shock, terribly grief stricken, and terribly guilty for surviving cancer when she didn't. It's still hard for me to this day. My survivor's guilt is like a mental disorder.
I was cancer free a year later; however, I was not in the clear for health. My cancer was gone, but something was wrong. I was in so much pain. As months went on, it got worse and worse. The drama that ensured from that is the reason I started this blog. But I finally got my answer in February 2011: my suspicion was confirmed-- I had a tumor in my lower left abdomen. I wrote this blog in July when I met my pain team, which tells the story from the beginning. It was unclear whether or not it was cancer, though they were leaning toward it NOT being cancer. Since I had a history, though, they were worried, I was worried.
The only doctor that TRULY helped me through this was my primary care doctor, but I didn't even talk to her about it until April. She was the only one who suggested medicine to help me (nerve pain medication, and when that didn't really work, a narcotic- which DID work)....who kept following up with me (which is what she did when I unknowingly had had cancer...if it weren't for her, I would either be dead or in a very very very bad place right now). The pain was astronomical.
After a lot of acrobatics and drama and frustration - my primary care doctor waved her wand and finally, things sped up. I found out I would have surgery.
THREE WEEKS before the start of my second year, I had surgery. My boss came to visit me and brought me Tim the Beaver, among other things from her and my work crew. I love them.
Me having Pet therapy the next day- was about to cry because at that moment I was in so much post-surgery pain. I was smelly because I couldn't shower, and the nurse brought in the bane of my existence - a tray of liquid foods. When I was brought the same tray that night, I had a freak out attack.
Two weeks after surgery, I came to class- had the HARDEST semester of my grad school career. Did horribly grade wise (2 B+s and an A-)- but I survived.
BUT I WAS STILL NOT IN THE CLEAR! after THIS recovery (which sucked- I had never ever been so sore and nauseous in my life- even after my more major surgery, this one was rougher)- pain started affecting my right side even MORE than it had before (i had pain on my right side for a while, but the pain in my left was worse). I find out I have ilio inguinal neuralgia (but I still am doubtful of this becasue my pain isn't CHRONIC. I think I have a tumor growing along those nerves or near those nerves but I don't think the nerve is totally damaged).
So off and on, I am high on pain meds. Life could be worse.
Anyway, along with the pain, I have started to have problems swallowing again. I wrote about it here. I had an endoscopy in March and had not so fun results. I just have to play it by ear for now and hope to GOODNESS i don't need a new surgery any time soon.
Later in March I took the Master's Comprehensive Examination. My worst fear came true: I had a pain spell. Thankfully with a lot of mind power (and good meds), I got through it. AND I PASSED WITH DISTINCTION. I found out on my birthday!
The semester is now over I finished with straight As. I've only had straight As one other time in my life. This is a major accomplishment for me!
And now, in about 11 hours, in an oversized gown (don' get me started with that story- I'm still SO angry about this) I will walk across the stage and get my diploma.
And then hopefully I will get a job.
I have met the best people in this program. I feel very fortunate to have been accepted into this program...to have met the people that I did....to get the education that I did...to have the job that I had (I have the best boss in the universe, yes I do! she has been very understanding of my condition and really just a fabulous mentor).
I learned about the history of higher education, the basics of organization and administration, the basics of the student affairs profession, how students develop through their college journey, how to develop a research proposal, an introduction of world higher education and issues surrounding that, about contempory issues in the student affairs field, about education law and policy, about public policy in higher education and the process of making decisions.... yet I know I have SO MUCH MORE to learn.
Now it's over. I'll never forget how crazy the papers (mainly the PROMPTS for papers) of ED 770 made me (and my classmates)-- how hard it was for me to transition from teacher to student. How long it took me to find my 'writer's voice' (since it had been so long since I wrote a paper)-- or how HARD ED 460 was, yet I still passed. I loved being the only person who liked Org and Admin (so much that I took two classes this semester of a similar topic). I loved meeting people from different walks of life. I cannot believe it has come to an end.
Saying goodbye is hard. My next entry will be about that.
For now, I shall try to sleep. :)
If you read this all, you are more amazing than I am hahahaa!
My husband for being my backbone, and every now and then paper editor
My family who was always there for me
My professors and boss who wrote my recommendation letters
My friends who helped me revise my personal statement when they were already busy with their lives
My primary care doctor who helped me manage my pain and took care of me well- I would not have finished my program without her
My pain team for being on top of everything and keeping me sane
My current boss for being an AMAZING MENTOR
My friends who always cheered me on!!! and encouraged me despite my pain!
ALL OF MY NEW FRIENDS who supported me and listened to me and were just all around awesome people
To begin talking about my journey, I wanted to show you my state of being when I applied to the Master's program. I almost didn't. I was recovering from stomach cancer surgery- I had a partial esophagogastrectomy. That means part of my stomach and part of my esophagus were removed. My cancer was just below my GE junction.
This was me, August 2009- the morning after my surgery
My favorite elephant picture of myself- God Damn NG tube. Worst thing ever.
My warrior wounds!!!
While I know people with stomach cancer have varying degrees of suffering, and while I know my suffering was minimal compared to many, I suffered a lot. I starved for four months. That is because I could not eat. When I tried, I threw up. When I succeeded, acid reflux took over my life. Or dumping syndrome did. Or hotflashes and dizziness took over.
Here is a video I took November 23, 2009
Here is a photo of me on Thanksgiving a few days after that video- helping John prep a meal that I couldn't eat!
This is me Christmas day- MUCH thinner, despite having had an esophageal dilation (opening a new fondue pot! I broke our other one a few days before my surgery hahaa)
So yes, that was my state of being when I applied to grad school!
At the last moment, though, I decided to try anyway. I was lucky for these reasons:
1) I wasn't too late to take one of the graduate entrance exams (I chose to take the MAT over the GRE)- I had 5 days to study and I did. And I am lucky I didn't flunk the test because I threw up right BEFORE the test. John and I found a New England Soup FActory and I was excited becuse I couldn't eat food but I could eat soup! I had the best soup of my life. But I did not know it was milk based. So I spent 30 minutes in the Salem State U bathroom barfing reflux and well...a really really bad bout of diarhea- worst dumping syndrome case I ever had! I even passed the test above average. Huzzah. (shoutout to my husband who bought me an MAT book the day I decided to take it/registered for the test)
2) Two of my favorite professors were WILLING and ABLE to write me a last minute recommendation letter!! I am so so so grateful for them.
3) I had help with editing my personal statement- shout outs to my really wonderful friend S for revising my personal statement, and giving me TONS of advise AS SHE WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF GRADING FINALS AFTER A BUSY BUSY SEMESTER FOR HER co worker A who read over it and gave me tips on transitions...and S again for looking at it ONE MORE TIME...
4) to my boss at the time K for writing a letter for me as well at the last moment!
This was a crapshoot for me- I only had 3 schools I could apply to, and I got into TWO of them!
In September 2010 I started grad school on a grim note. My Jentwin, the heart and soul of my undergraduate friend group, passed away from a freak case of lung cancer. This was me with her hours before she passed :,(. I started classes two days later- still in shock, terribly grief stricken, and terribly guilty for surviving cancer when she didn't. It's still hard for me to this day. My survivor's guilt is like a mental disorder.
I was cancer free a year later; however, I was not in the clear for health. My cancer was gone, but something was wrong. I was in so much pain. As months went on, it got worse and worse. The drama that ensured from that is the reason I started this blog. But I finally got my answer in February 2011: my suspicion was confirmed-- I had a tumor in my lower left abdomen. I wrote this blog in July when I met my pain team, which tells the story from the beginning. It was unclear whether or not it was cancer, though they were leaning toward it NOT being cancer. Since I had a history, though, they were worried, I was worried.
The only doctor that TRULY helped me through this was my primary care doctor, but I didn't even talk to her about it until April. She was the only one who suggested medicine to help me (nerve pain medication, and when that didn't really work, a narcotic- which DID work)....who kept following up with me (which is what she did when I unknowingly had had cancer...if it weren't for her, I would either be dead or in a very very very bad place right now). The pain was astronomical.
After a lot of acrobatics and drama and frustration - my primary care doctor waved her wand and finally, things sped up. I found out I would have surgery.
THREE WEEKS before the start of my second year, I had surgery. My boss came to visit me and brought me Tim the Beaver, among other things from her and my work crew. I love them.
Me having Pet therapy the next day- was about to cry because at that moment I was in so much post-surgery pain. I was smelly because I couldn't shower, and the nurse brought in the bane of my existence - a tray of liquid foods. When I was brought the same tray that night, I had a freak out attack.
Two weeks after surgery, I came to class- had the HARDEST semester of my grad school career. Did horribly grade wise (2 B+s and an A-)- but I survived.
BUT I WAS STILL NOT IN THE CLEAR! after THIS recovery (which sucked- I had never ever been so sore and nauseous in my life- even after my more major surgery, this one was rougher)- pain started affecting my right side even MORE than it had before (i had pain on my right side for a while, but the pain in my left was worse). I find out I have ilio inguinal neuralgia (but I still am doubtful of this becasue my pain isn't CHRONIC. I think I have a tumor growing along those nerves or near those nerves but I don't think the nerve is totally damaged).
So off and on, I am high on pain meds. Life could be worse.
Anyway, along with the pain, I have started to have problems swallowing again. I wrote about it here. I had an endoscopy in March and had not so fun results. I just have to play it by ear for now and hope to GOODNESS i don't need a new surgery any time soon.
Later in March I took the Master's Comprehensive Examination. My worst fear came true: I had a pain spell. Thankfully with a lot of mind power (and good meds), I got through it. AND I PASSED WITH DISTINCTION. I found out on my birthday!
The semester is now over I finished with straight As. I've only had straight As one other time in my life. This is a major accomplishment for me!
And now, in about 11 hours, in an oversized gown (don' get me started with that story- I'm still SO angry about this) I will walk across the stage and get my diploma.
And then hopefully I will get a job.
I have met the best people in this program. I feel very fortunate to have been accepted into this program...to have met the people that I did....to get the education that I did...to have the job that I had (I have the best boss in the universe, yes I do! she has been very understanding of my condition and really just a fabulous mentor).
I learned about the history of higher education, the basics of organization and administration, the basics of the student affairs profession, how students develop through their college journey, how to develop a research proposal, an introduction of world higher education and issues surrounding that, about contempory issues in the student affairs field, about education law and policy, about public policy in higher education and the process of making decisions.... yet I know I have SO MUCH MORE to learn.
Now it's over. I'll never forget how crazy the papers (mainly the PROMPTS for papers) of ED 770 made me (and my classmates)-- how hard it was for me to transition from teacher to student. How long it took me to find my 'writer's voice' (since it had been so long since I wrote a paper)-- or how HARD ED 460 was, yet I still passed. I loved being the only person who liked Org and Admin (so much that I took two classes this semester of a similar topic). I loved meeting people from different walks of life. I cannot believe it has come to an end.
Saying goodbye is hard. My next entry will be about that.
For now, I shall try to sleep. :)
If you read this all, you are more amazing than I am hahahaa!
I probably don't tell you this enough (or ever? haha) but you are SUCH an inspiring person! Though we have never been BFF's due to running in different circles for most of college and always missing each other re: where we're living, I'm proud to call you a friend! :)
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