6 Months a Mom

In case you are interested, I posted an entry following up from my blog in OCTOBER regarding NF's effect on my pregnancy. It is here.

This entry is being dedicated to my 6th month as a MOM.

For those who have spoken to me in the past about having kids, many of you know that I didn't think I wanted to have biological children. I thought about this for two main reasons:
1. I have NF
2. I had CANCER.

I didn't think my body could be healthy enough. I was afraid to birth a genetic mutant like myself. I was just afraid of everything.

Well, I changed my mind. And I did so for several reasons but the main reason was that I really wanted to have the experience of being pregnant and having a child of my own. Other reasons included: despite my pain, despite my cancer history, I still have a great life. If I  have a great life, my child would have a great life. I'm not sorry to be alive, so why would my child if he happens to have NF? (or any other condition). His life would be surrounded by love. Sounds cheesy...super cheesy. But it's true.

I thought my life changed forever when I got the positive pregnancy test. But this was when my life TRULY changed...holding my son and kissing his little face for the first time.

There are hundreds of books one could read on motherhood. Many are interesting to read and all, but no book can actually illustrate a true experience.

skin to skin goodness

Here is MY experience as a mom, 6 months after giving birth: DISCLAIMER- my experience. I am not speaking for all mothers.


1. The cheesy, incredible love.

I never thought I could love somebody so much. I mean, I love my husband. I love my family. But Oliver? No words can describe this love. I go into horrid rages when I learn of people neglecting their children, abusing their children, LEAVING THEIR CHILDREN IN HOT CARS... I just can't even. I feared losing him SO often during my pregnancy. I was terrified of feeling him in my body, then suddenly delivering a stillborn. I don't know why I had those fears, but I did. Because of those fears, I am serious about this: I do NOT get frustrated when he cries. He is generally consolable, but in the few times it takes longer, I do NOT  lose my patience. When he decides to party and not sleep, I do NOT angrily wish him to go to sleep. I do NOT EVER want a break from him (this may pass- I know!). If he wakes up before I'm ready to wake up, I'm SO happy to entertain him, to kiss him, to play with him, to feed him, to change his gross diapers. I love every second of being his mom. I am taking advantage of absorbing every second of cheesy happiness until he becomes a pre-teen and hates me :)

2. Falling in love with bed sharing

In the past, I would hear of mothers sharing their bed with their babies and I would cringe.

I would NEEEVER do that, I said.

But then we brought Oliver home. He would NOT sleep flat on his back. But he slept very soundly on my chest.

This was so useful when I was nursing. When he needed to eat, I was right there. It felt so wonderful having him with me. I couldn't really move anyway due to my c-section, so I knew I wouldn't roll over him. But once I healed, I got scared, and moved him to his rock n play cradle for the next 3 months.

But when he was around 4 months, he went through a small stage of only falling asleep next to me. We made sure no pillows or blankets were near him and for one month, he slept next to me in bed. It was the best thing EVER.

He now sleeps in his crib, but I do not regret the few weeks he slept next to me.

3. The obsession with baby stuff.

I love buying new clothes. I can't get enough of it. I always want to buy so much shit in Babies R Us, Target, Buy Buy Baby, etc etc... but... well... finances. :)


4. The struggles of milk production.

I was dead set on breastfeeding. Nothing can prepare you for the fact your child is losing weight because your body can't produce enough to satiate him, keep him healthy.

It. is. depressing.

The pediatrician recommended I pump so we can calculate how much he is eating to ensure his weight gain. So I became an exclusive pumper, supplementing with formula.

People say nursing is hard. Perhaps it is, but not to me.  No. Pumping is WAY harder.  It's so easy to just whip out that breast every 2 hours and nurse. With pumping, you have to pump for  10-30 minutes, depending on how much comes out that day (this is for people with decrepit breasts,not normal, happy breast milk making breasts). And then you have to clean the parts. And then you have to feed. And then you have to do it again. And again. And again. And again. (Editing this to say that I know people who exclusively nurse and buy into the "nipple confusion" hogwash that Lactation Consultants scare new mothers into [[so sorry but it is hogwash]] and because of that, nursing can also be extremely tethering, so, too, so I am sorry to sound dismissive, but there are still far fewer steps to nursing than there are to pump!)

It is the most tethering experience I have ever endured.

I continue(d) because it means everything to me to make sure my son gets breast milk. Which leads me to my next point-

5. Bipolar feelings on certain issues

• Breastfeeding is wonderful. Breastfeeding is horrible.  THE IDEA is wonderful. The fact that your body is making something so pure, so incredibly healthy for the baby is SO WONDERFUL. But it's rather horrible because it's tethering. [[ Not to mention, painful! Whether you nurse or pump, your nipples feel like they are being dragged against burning asphalt when you put on a bra or shirt....holy zeus]] I have to plan everything in regards to pumping. If we travel long distances, I have to pump in transit. If we do a day trip in a different state, part of that day is interrupted by having to go to the car to pump. I couldn't really spend much time with friends OUTSIDE of my home because, well, I had to pump. When people did come to see me, I'd have to excuse myself so I could pump. For some friends, I just pumped in the same room with them, but not everybody is comfortable with that! And if I did say SCREW IT, I'm going to have fun today... cue the engorged, leaking, about to pop, painful breasts. And cue a supply drop the next day. Fucking horrible.  And you have to do it in two hour intervals, but that became impossible as time went on. I went from pumping every 2 hours to every 3 hours to every 5 hours to every 12 hours. I only just recently jumped to every 12 hours. Well, 12 hours/11 hours so I can get two pumps in a day.  Going back to work was tough because it was hard to just stop what I was doing to pump. Many times the Mother's Room was occupied, so my every 5 hours would turn to every 8 hours. Then I got laid off (as of July 11- still laid off for now), and my supply has TANKED. Blah.  But I still did it. I still DO it.  Perhaps, I'm nailing my own coffin but, it's just important to me to provide milk for Oliver despite the fact it drives me INSANE. I used to make half of  what he was supposed to be eating. Now I make less than 1/3. I've always had to count my milk supply in MILLILITERS per pump, never ounces. I used to make around 11 ounces a day, now I make 4? I cry just thinking about it. I hope future moms don't ever deal with such a shit supply issue if you are so dead set on breastfeeding. It's definitely a bipolar experience.
• Maternity leave is amazing. Maternity leave is isolating. Maybe it's because I had a baby in the winter, but oh my gosh, 3 months (yes, I know I am VERY lucky to have been able to take 3 months) being "Trapped" inside (aside from errands and seeing some friends for dinner, and some dinner dates)- that was so hard to handle. We moved outside of Boston, so it wasn't like I could take a walk anywhere. And even if I wanted to, it was WAY too cold. BUT BUT BUT- I got to spend every waking moment with my son for THREE months. Some mothers don't get but two weeks depending on their job situation!!! So for that, I was so grateful.  I held him most of the day when he was just a brand new person. I got to kiss him any time I wanted. I got to see his face transform. I got to witness his little milestones (rolling over, smiling, grabbing for things). Despite the isolation, I wouldn't change anything about it!
• Being a working mom is great. Being away from the baby is HORRIBLE. I was so happy to get back to work. I loved spending every waking moment with my baby, but it was so nice to be able to have my work life back...earning money again...being useful outside of the home again. But at the same time, I hated the idea of leaving him. Luckily, for now, the "babysitter" is John... so he's in amazing hands. But working away from home means that I miss all the little details of my son's life. I miss his smiles. I miss his milestones. I miss knowing what each cry means. I actually LOST that when I went back to work. I LOST knowing what his cries meant. He would cry and before I could respond, John would be like "this is what he wants!" Depressing. The night before I went back to work (after maternity leave), I ugly cried THE ENTIRE NIGHT. Prior to this night, I kept having nightmares that I would leave the house, and come home to Oliver walking, talking, and then he just stopped knowing who I was. Irrational, maybe, but still... part of the bipolar experience.
• Not sleeping is EASY. Not sleeping is HARD. Before having this baby, I liked to sleep a LOT. Thankfully, I was able to get a LOT of sleep in before the baby was born. I didn't think I would be able to handle it. BUT when that baby is here, everything changes. Suddenly, nothing else matters. Oliver actually had to be WOKEN UP for feedings because he slept so well. Waking him up every 2, 2.5 hours was never an issue for me. Not being able to nap when he was napping throughout the day was doable. But it was also hard. Some days, my poor husband would come home from work (while I was on leave), and he'd be so exhausted (he had two jobs and would run between the two, barely eating lunch), and would come home and easily fall asleep. I would just be so damn jealous of him. :) There may have been some Post Partum Depression rage yellings there :X [[confession!]] There was just so much for me to do between nursing/pumping (I only nursed for two straight weeks), giving him bottles, soothing his cries, getting stuff done for MYSELF (like a SHOWER, or eating a MEAL which was extremely hard in the first month). And even if I had the luxury of sleeping in, it was impossible, because, well, engorgement.  

Let me tell you a little something about Oliver. He is the easiest baby. The easiest. He sleeps. He rarely cries. We can take him places...lots of places. He's done TWO roundtrip road trips from Ma to Va. He's been to Burlington, VT. He's been to different places in Ma. He's been on numerous errands. He ALWAYS comes out to eat with us (we don't have family near us to babysit and are only now coming around to possibly leaving him with friends). I feel so proud when people remark on his demeanor. He's just so happy, smiley, cuddly and loveable. But when he's hungry... oh my . He's HANGRY. :) 

Please don't mistake the "bipolarness" as unhappiness.. I am NOT unhappy. I do NOT regret anything. But motherhood isn't EASY. NOT easy at all. But it's worth every second. And I can't wait to see Oliver grow, to share Oliver's life with you, and to hopefully bring a new life in the world.

My first Mother's Day